| Drug dealer. Such a profound term. One who | | | | apartment?" I asked, "Sure, like I don't get |
| deals in drugs. Not only the selling, but | | | | enough attention by the cops. Now I'll have |
| often the trading, using, and producing. | | | | a corpse on my floor.""I have $600," she |
| It's not just some homeless guy on the side | | | | said."It might be possible," I said, as I |
| of the road trying to sell crack for some | | | | scratched my chin.We walked back to my room. |
| drug lord, just so he can have a place to | | | | "Put the money on the table," I said, "I have |
| sleep. Nowadays, it's some 17 year old punk, | | | | to make a phone call." She did as I |
| carrying a book of acid and a pound of weed, | | | | asked."Hey, Johnny," I said on the phone, |
| all wrapped up in tin foil and plastic, and | | | | "What's up, man? Hey, you think you can help |
| at home, his bathtub is full of sugar, water, | | | | me move a body? Yeah, I know the normal fee. |
| 50 mashed organges, and 10 packets of yeast. | | | | Sure, sure, come later tonight. Peace, |
| Ask him about it and he'll say, "Technically, | | | | brother.""Can I ask why you're doing this?" I |
| it's still alive when I drink it, but I just | | | | said, as I picked up the money."Several parts |
| pour more water in there when it starts to | | | | of my life are a mess," she said, "Bad |
| run low, and it's like a Jesus: turning water | | | | parents, bad boyfriend," she grinned at me |
| to wine, just on a slower and less tasteful | | | | with some wit."Hey," I said, "Don't get cute |
| method." He'll have a repetoir of legal and | | | | on me. After all, I do have to kill you." |
| illegal highs, ways to dodge prosecution or | | | | She nodded with a smile and I started |
| arrest when police inquire. "What? You | | | | counting the cash. "So, really, why are you |
| found a meth pipe? Oh, my god... Are you | | | | doing this?""The reasons are my own and my |
| serious? That's what he was doing. Oh, man. | | | | own to --""Hey, there's only $450 here," I |
| My friend was with my bag. That fuckhead | | | | saidd, looking up, "Where's the other |
| must have put it there." Five hours | | | | $150?""That's all I have," she said, "It's |
| detainment while your body is dehydrating | | | | everything."I had to make a decision. Help |
| from the speed, and then you're a free man. | | | | her die or let her go with her cash. As a |
| Everyday was walking on a tightrope of the | | | | drug dealer, it decently pisses me off that |
| law. In a pill or a bag, I am holding a | | | | someone says they have cash for something but |
| piece of heaven that lasts 8 hours. One day, | | | | end up not having it, or having half. |
| I make $170, the second day, I hop two fences | | | | Sometimes they offer the argument that |
| after making a $20. We're living on the | | | | they'll get me back, but that's bullshit. |
| fringes of poverty in the ghetto, struggling | | | | They're addicted to a substance they can get |
| to make a living. I guess I provide a rather | | | | from anyone. The next five dollars to hit |
| important industry. I help people forget | | | | their palm will go to another dealer, not to |
| they are here.It is not uncommon. One day, I | | | | pay debts. Unlike these people, this girl |
| am facing someone who gives me their last | | | | couldn't do that. She was not going to be |
| $25. Maybe they intended for it, but their | | | | around next week."Well, fine," I said, "I |
| next four hours were their last. And as much | | | | suppose we can still do this... Sit on the |
| as I felt that I was a slave to this system, | | | | bed." I sat down at my desk and pulled a |
| I felt free, too. Free of starvation, free | | | | coffee filter out of the trash can, and |
| of bruttish conditions. Yes, I have been | | | | opened it on my desk. It was ful lof a wet, |
| shot at by cops and other dealers. One time, | | | | green powder."What's that?" she asked, trying |
| four kids tried to jump me for my shit. I | | | | to look over my shoulder."It's a toxin |
| had to stab one to get them to realize that I | | | | byproduct that comes from making high grade |
| wasn't a push over. As dangerous as it was, | | | | methamphetamine," I said, as I started to |
| I had a life. I had a living. I could | | | | fill the gelcaps with it, "It's not painful, |
| survive in this horrible place, wracked with | | | | unlike most toxins, but it is by far more |
| misery as much as it was. And, honestly, I | | | | lethal." I started to fill some with basil, |
| called it a home. There is something | | | | which helps stomach digestion."Are these band |
| prophetically human about this profession. A | | | | lyrics?" she asked, referring to the paper on |
| friend of mine was on a bad acid trip. He | | | | the wall.I turned around, "Those? No... |
| kept shaking. I let him stay in my room. He | | | | They're nineteenth century poems." I went |
| kept talking about police, not making much | | | | back to filling pills."They're beautiful," |
| sense. I gave him a blanket and put on | | | | she said, "I enjoyed this one about love at |
| soothing music. Next morning, I found out | | | | first sight.""Yeah, it mocked the concept of |
| thath someone tried to burn down a department | | | | it and then talked about loving someone after |
| store, what cops called, "seemingly from a | | | | knowing them," I replied."Yeah," she said, "I |
| drug user." I remember holding his shaking | | | | get it. I was curious as to what kind of |
| hand, kneeling down to him. "It's gonna be | | | | band would sing a song like that.""That's the |
| okay," I said, "Don't worry about it, you're | | | | thing," I said, "None would. Or at least, |
| safe here." He sort of calmed down and I let | | | | almost none.""And what's this?" she |
| him stay. I suppose I also harbored a | | | | asked."That?" I said turning around, "It's a |
| criminal, but that never bothered me. I have | | | | painting of a face, using only red and black |
| my own definition of legal and illegal.The | | | | paint. I paid two hits of acid for it. I |
| kids or old wash up junkies I sell to, they | | | | would have paid more, because it's just so |
| are hardly stereotypical. I have seen | | | | beautiful.""Mmmmm," she replied, "It is |
| couples come to me, and say that they want | | | | nice." With her affection toward the |
| ecstacy, something to increase their love for | | | | painting, she had thrown a smile in my |
| each other and experience it through new | | | | direction. I could see that she was rational |
| channels. They were young and poor, but they | | | | and logical in her decision of suicide. She |
| still had more than many others. I've had | | | | wasn't in tears. She wasn't broken in |
| junkies come up to me for a fix of meth so | | | | pieces. She was very much together, or very |
| they could be up for a fourth day. Burnt | | | | effective in subtly convincing me of this.I |
| out, shaking, destroyed body, otherwise | | | | walked over to the bed and handed her four |
| dysfunctional brain, and worst of all, coming | | | | pills. "I'll get you a glass of water, I |
| down and in tears, "Please, please, just give | | | | said, "Mostly, I tell my customers not to |
| me some tweak..." Begging with their last | | | | take it all at ancoe, but that is pricesly |
| dolars. I sold to him of course. He had | | | | what I am telling you now." She swallowed |
| cash. And, as much as I would love to be | | | | the pills, two at a time, with the aid of |
| able to give it away for free, I need to | | | | water."What's your name?" I asked |
| survive myself. Twelve year old street | | | | her."Julia," she said, "But most people call |
| urchins come up to me and ask to buy LSD, | | | | me Julee.""Well," I said, "My name is Caley." |
| handicapped men on Social Security ask me for | | | | I had to tell her, because I felt like she |
| Codeine. Artists and Musicians flock to buy | | | | wouldn't ask."It'll only be 30 to 60 minutes, |
| absinthe, and they finish off a bottle and | | | | before you're gone," I told her."Why did you |
| stay up to 6 AM talking on a city bench, | | | | get into this business?" she asked."Well," I |
| flesh turned to fucking ice, drinking a cup | | | | said, "It's easier cash, it requires little |
| of coffee that has been empty for the past | | | | work, I am always well stocked in my favorite |
| forty five minutes.I suppose by now, it is | | | | commodities, and I'm not on the brink of |
| obvious to tell that I have a particularly | | | | poverty. Why?""I guess I always just wanted |
| keen observation of my environment. Unlike | | | | to know," she replied."So, how was your day?" |
| other deals, I don't spend my profit on a new | | | | I asked, a bit uncomfortable with the overall |
| pimping car or a mansion -- and the only | | | | situation."It's getting better," she replied, |
| dealers who could get that are coke lords and | | | | "And your own?""Oh, it's doing all right, "I |
| heroin merchants. The rest are on the | | | | said, "Making money..."A slow silence befell |
| fringes of poverty. One of my hobbies, I can | | | | the room for thirty seconds as we exchanged |
| confess that I love the beauty of the human | | | | glances occasionally, myself somewhat |
| face. It may seem like a fickle or otherwise | | | | uncomfortable still, she somewhat uneasy, I |
| shallow enjoyment. I look to the face of a | | | | imagine. A car outside blowing Mexican rap |
| girl walking down the street, see a smile, | | | | music goes by with a bad engine. Cluttered |
| and as I feel my entrepenurial spirit | | | | feet trample by with a mix of foreign |
| crushed, I find something beautiful and | | | | languages. Her eyes look down and then are |
| unique. Some homeless child struggles for | | | | brought up to mine. As little as I know |
| warmth on a city bench, his face with a | | | | about her, I feel sure enough that she spoke |
| stone-cold expression, as he pulls a hood | | | | with more subtle ocnfidence that second than |
| over his face, with little eyes peering at | | | | aty any other moment of her life. "I've led |
| me. In some other life, my current one | | | | a good life.""Then why end it this way?" I |
| completely forgotten, I imagine I would be an | | | | asked, as the curosity of the homo sapien |
| artist. I am not one now, but I remember | | | | nature urked my spirit.She shrugged."That |
| during my last year of school my art class | | | | doesn't seem like you're confident in your |
| (apparently 8th grade). One student was | | | | reasons," I said."No, it's not that," she |
| exceptional, and the teacher allowed him to | | | | replied, almost in a faded tone, as though |
| do as he pleased. He used flint, charcoal, a | | | | the poisons had sapped away her soul before |
| variety of inks and paints. On those solemn | | | | it took her body, "It's just that I don't |
| nights as I try to fall victim to sleep's | | | | want to, or need to, talk abou tit... I |
| claws, I fantasize using the complex tools of | | | | assure you it exists, but I'm not bringing it |
| art to capture the smile or anger of a | | | | into this room.""Understood," I said... "How |
| person. But, just a dream, nothing I've told | | | | was your life?""I told you, good," she said, |
| to anyone.Asside from this one hobby of mine, | | | | "I have this friend, Celine. She was always |
| I can admit that I enjoy poetry. The | | | | so nice to me and admired the things I did. |
| resurrection as faded love through columns of | | | | She could be a friend on mutual terms, too. |
| words, I can feel more free than I have ever | | | | She loved me so much.""I'm sure she still |
| before. Perhaps itis the human instinct to | | | | does then," I replied, "Why use the past |
| seek out what we do not have. In poetry, | | | | tense?" She didn't answer."I'm leaving |
| nothing is written of the tringiness of the | | | | behind a son," she replied finally."Oh?" I |
| ghetto, the life and death horrors that every | | | | said, surprised, as my eyes widened."He'll |
| man in poverty must face. Yes, poems about | | | | never know, though," she said."What do you |
| it are written, but not those prior to 1800. | | | | mean?" I asked.She caressed her hand over her |
| For the same reason I find necessity in | | | | stomach."You mean... you're pregnant?" I |
| trying to escape the hardened life of a drug | | | | asked."Yeah," she said, "But only three |
| dealer, I can see a yuppy reading "Treasure | | | | weeks.""Is that the reason?" I asked."No, she |
| Island" or some other adventure-based novel. | | | | said, "I told you, I wouldn't let the reason |
| For myself, it is Thoreau, Tennyson, Shelley, | | | | enter this room.""Okay," I said. I tried to |
| Rousseau, Emerson -- anyone who put on paper | | | | reach for something to say, some way to |
| some thoughts that were original, creative, | | | | comfort her. "Would you like to hear a |
| honest. Unlike my hope fo being an artist, | | | | poem?" I asked."Sure," she said. I brought |
| this hobby of poetry was shared and expressed | | | | out perhaps my most moving and emotion poem I |
| with contemporaries. They seemed to regard | | | | have from the 1800's. It subtly touched upon |
| it not with animosity, particularly | | | | the points of happiness and sadness. It |
| curiosity, uncomfortability, or any other | | | | subtly touched upon the points of happiness |
| xenophobic thought, but they just considered | | | | and sadness. Every few months, my most |
| it as another part of who I was. I suppose | | | | favored passage will change. Maybe just its |
| that it was the tolerance all of us must have | | | | another poem, another stanza, or another |
| for each other, under such horrible living | | | | author altogether. Here I read to her the |
| and working conditions. So, what a man does | | | | pick of the season."That was very nice," she |
| in his own home, is his own to consider.In | | | | said, throwing at me a smile with closed, |
| this line of life, I get a variety of awkward | | | | relaxed eyes, as one hand of hers rubber her |
| requests. For certain chemicals, people | | | | forearm ently, turning her face away. Maybe |
| request that it's not in getabs, but just in | | | | it was a crime, an indictment against me, my |
| powder. Some people want it dissolved in | | | | character. In only two examples have I ever |
| alcohol. PCP on Marijuana, freebased cocaine | | | | shared the poems of my heart with others. I |
| (crack), freebased AMT, DMT,or DiPT. Or | | | | none case, my friend was going in to the |
| perhaps an intensified powder that will give | | | | military, and would serve 2 years over seas. |
| potent effects by just being in the same room | | | | We hugged, thinking we may never see each |
| as it. There would be one day where I | | | | other again. In that case, I didn't even |
| receive a very awkward request."I want you to | | | | read him a poem. I slipped a piece of paper |
| make me die," she said.I've heard this | | | | in to his pocket with a beautiful poem |
| before, but only from friends and colleagues | | | | written on it. And now, with Julia, I have |
| who were witty. "Give me 20 hits of meth, | | | | read her a poem. If I thought she would be |
| and take a month off my life." But, no, this | | | | alive in two hours, I wouldn't have gone that |
| girl knew who I was, because she knew my | | | | far."Can you hold me?" she asked.I stood up |
| customers, and she wanted help in suicide."I | | | | and walked over to the bed, where she was |
| don't know," I said. I've been in fights | | | | sitting. "I can," said."Please, hold me, |
| before with people for trying to sell heroin | | | | then," she said. I put my arms around her |
| in the wrong areas. Helping someone die | | | | and laid down. Slowly, sleep came to both of |
| might be just as bad."Please," she said, "I | | | | us, peace in our minds.I would wake and feel |
| know people who told me you could | | | | her skin. It was cold. Life,Punkerslut (or |
| help.""Look," I said, "If you have a problem | | | | Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and |
| with your parents, just try to settle it with | | | | poetry on social issues which have caught his |
| them. If it's your boyfriend, get a new one. | | | | attention for several years. His website |
| I'm not interested in murdering anyone." I | | | | provides a complete list of all of these |
| let her know straight out that I didn't want | | | | writings. His life experience includes |
| to partake in this and I wasn't being | | | | homelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, |
| open-minded about it at all."Listen," I need | | | | dropping out of high school, getting expelled |
| a drug to kill me and I need some place to | | | | from college for "subversive activities," and |
| take it," she said."You want to take it in my | | | | a myriad of other revolutionary actions. |