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Out of the Box

Boxes are really interesting things. It'shim, he told me he used to be a minister.
the first thing we see when we receiveArgh..perhaps I had made a poor choice of
something as a gift. It tells us a lot aboutcounselors. I was not in the mood for
the size, weight and contents of what'sBiblical quotations or a long list of
inside. I remember as a kid, picking up a"should's" and "musts" that minister types
light box for Xmas meant "clothes" and aare so want to appeal to when they run out of
heavy box generally meant "Toy", especiallyactual practical and common sense
if it rolled from one end of the box to theobservations  and  perspectives.
other upon tipping and shaking. A box can be
a really great thing and bring a lot of joy.But soon enough I learned that the "used to
As a kid, I had a Remco Bulldog Tank, which Ibe a minister" was grounded in having
can still get a nice feeling from by lookingoutgrown that box and so we had some common
them up for sale still on Ebay. I won't beground here. He thought it humerous to
buying one soon as they are around $300. Iremind me he did not often have clients who
remember the original price was around $12.had been "fired by God." I said "very
But that box sure brought back memories andfunny."At any rate, I quickly learned that
now, if I need one, I can get an emptymany people outgrow boxes and ministers are
Bulldog Tank box for a mere $50!We all comeno exception. Or at least many minister
in a box when we are born, and I don't meantypes want to outgrow the box they came in,
the  womb.or got at school, or their denominational
headquarters and pastoral seminars designed
Once we arrive, we are slipped into a boxto keep them in a particular denomination
that we are generally expected to stay in forbox. For years I went to "meetings" the sole
the rest of our life, depending on thepurpose of which was to keep me in line and
topic.Of course, we get the box of ourin the assigned box of acceptable theological
family. I personally grew up in the Orthodoxperspectives. Of course, I thought that was
Presbyterian box. I am Dutch and German andthe right thing to do and where I needed to
came to the planet in April of 1950 inbe so I didnt "fall away." But in hindsite,
Rochester, NY to a young couple who hadit was simply programming designed to keep me
already had three other kids, one severlyon someone elses straight and narrow, and
handicapped and then me. My dad worked atmany of them also proved to be neither on the
Eastman Kodak and had managed not to be sentpath of straight or narrow themselves.That is
overseas to fight WW2 with his work for themoften the case when we want to be be out of a
counting as service. Had he been drafted,box, but deem the price too high with tribe
well I might never have gotten to write this.or Church. We become duplistic or as Paul
Moms parents had managed to accept anmight say, "I became all things to all
invitation from friends to postpone theirmen..." This is a concept that to me leaves
Atlantic crossing in April of 1912 and stayme wondering then exactly who was Paul if he
until June to be in their wedding since theywas so willing to put on whatever show needed
had intention of returning to Amsterdam onceto win over converts. What a duplistic and
in America. So they didn't take the Titanicdeceptive attitude. Does one ever meet the
that April.No choice... just a family that isreal person if that is how they view things.
ready made. A mom and dad, or maybe just a"To the Jew, I became a Jew..." I can't
mom. Various aunts and uncles and of coursebecome all things to all men, lest I lose
varieties of grandparents, who may or may notmyself in the charade.After gettting well
be thrilled we are here. The family mayaquainted and sharing my particular story, I
have lots of money and great stuff, or notlearned that I tended, and have all my life,
much. It might be in the US, Europe,to outgrow my own boxes very quickly. Most
Uzbekistan, China or Africa. We might be bornnever explore the one they are given at
into a great home on Oak Street orbirth, I was reminded, which I have found to
Heatherwood Way, or a village in Iraq,be true. I evidently had a more inquisitive,
Namibia or on the outskirts of Shanghai. Noopen and free spirit, which would lend itself
choices here for us to make. Just the way itto not only looking over the edge of the box,
is. The family may be well employed,but climbing out much to the anger, fear and
employed, underemployed orchiding of the tribe.This also tore at me as
unemployed...again, no choices for us.In thisI have a "how can I help you" temperament
box we are born into, and mostly expected towhich can lend itself to people pleasing and
stay forevermore in, we get a religion tocompliance if I am not honest with myself.
grow up in. It might be Judaism, Catholicism,Sometimes we stay put for a very long time
Buddhism, Islam, Hindu or a host of otherafraid to speak our mind, share our thoughts
"isms" that again we had no say in. It isor even hint at changes in our perspectives.
who others want us to be with all it's laws,It makes people angry and insecure and is the
rituals and beliefs. They did the religiousstuff or countless arguements or family
belief homework long before we arrived and wetension. I learned what topics to avoid as I
will love what they choose for us. If wedid not, at that time, want the hassle, the
don't love it, it just may take longer tolook or the rebuttal.I learned that
convince us.Of course I am Catholic. I wasoutgrowing a box can be very lonely. Most of
born Catholic! The idea that one cannotthose in the previous box spend their energy
really be born with a whole religious beliefkeeping you in the box, not overjoyed that
system in place doesn't seem to cross ouryou want out. Most of those in the previous
minds. What we mean is we had no choice inbox will not accompany you on your new
our youth but to be programmed by thoseperspectives. They simply won't leave the box
before us who had selected the truth of lifewith you, nor will they offer any support.
for us that they generally got from thoseThey might simply disappear from your life or
before them. That box is just one size andrefuse to be a friend until you return to the
you and I were expected to simply stay inbox. Or even if you do return, things can
that box, no questions asked. The troublenever quite be the same again, because you
comes later in life when we seek to get outdared to even attempt an escape.They can make
of the box we came in.But often, as we getyou feel guilty as hell for evening thinking
older, we find the box we are in no longerthere were other boxes! They will however
fits us. While the tribe or family may beremind you that the box you now need to be in
content with that box, a very small part ofis not as real, valid or good for you as the
which they have never even exploredone you left. As a result, many return to
themselves, we are not. We might not betheir harm in the long run."Dennis, you have
comfortable in the political part wetwo choices..." I was told. "You can keep
inheirited, or the social and mostly theexploring the bigger boxes that is your
religious part we inheirited, and have to notnature to do and probably go it mostly alone,
just look around the box given, but actuallyor you can return to the box you just got
look up and over the edge, to see what we cankicked out of and feel a bit more secure and
see. This is where the danger, criticism and"happy." You also will probably be on
head shaking comes to play in our lives andantidepressants the rest of you life." He
where we have to decide if looking over theseemed to know what he was talking about and
edge of this given box is worth it. WeI agreed. I was already on those meds at the
aren't yet saying we are going to leave thetime, so that made perfect sense.The anxiety
box, but the threat to family, friends andand depression caused by outgrowing a box can
even ourselves as we think about it is justbe relentless until one developes the skills
about to manifest itself.The criticism mightto deal with them. For me it is staying
come for reading outside the accepted andpresent and out of the past where there is
given box of ideas on all topics fromanger and guilt to deal with and the future
religion to employment. One might catch itwhere there is anxiety and fear waiting.
but good for getting caught having aSitting in quiet meditation, a very difficult
different idea about sexuality or adherencething for one raised Dutch, Calvinistic and
to the established religious taboos that cameneeding to always be "productive", but
in that original box. The religious box youactually is very therapeutic and
came in might demand a tithe of your incomeenlightening. NOW is what we all have.
but you no longer feel the return on theNothing more and nothing less. I am not
"investment" is worth it, and perhaps Godalways successful, but I am getting better at
doesn't really need your money. There willit. When you outgrow a box you genuinely
always be someone in the tribe to warn youcould not stay in, it causes a lot of guilt
that you can't be "blessed" with an idea, outissues as well and grieving for those that
of the box, like that.It's ok for businessmendid not either want to come along or simply
to look outside the business box for bettercouldn't. I have often now found it almost
ideas or the scientific community to seeinsane to force a young couple, upon pain of
outside the box of science to give us reallyeternal death and offending the Deity, to
cool stuff, but it is NOT acceptable for theNEVER EVER CHANGE from this day forward, and
individual to step outside the social,yet not be told that EVERYTHING around you
political or religious aspects of the tribalwill change for the rest of your life. Makes
box, given at birth.The tribe will hound youno sense to me. This is where certain
for missing Church or Wednesday night Bibleinstitutions seem simply designed to keep one
study and suggest that Pastor so and so talkcompliant and obedient to the tribe and to
to you, hoping he can stuff you back in thestay in that birth box.Outgrowing your boxes,
box. Talk like a Democrat when "we are allif you as inclined to do it, is difficult in
Republicans," and see what happens. Come tomany many ways. Most simply won't do it when
different conclusions about wars orconfronted with the tribe, the church and the
presidents and see what happens. You mightconsequences. Sometimes we get pushed out of
just have a list of topics we don't talkbox whether we like it or not and in time
about in our box.Sometimes they hope awill come to see that it was the best thing
counselor can do the same. Perhaps theythat could have happened, thought it feels
bring out the big guns and your Grandfatherfor a very long time like the worst. What's
can talk some sense into you, after all,bad is often good and, of course, what's good
Grandpa has been in the original box for hiscan sometimes end up not so good. Some who
entire life. If it's good enough for him andwin the lottery seemed chosen to teach us
us, it's good enough for YOU! Someone mightthis.So...we all came in a box of someone
even be so hurt that you would want to seeelses choosing. For many that works just fine
outside this given box, they scream and cryand certainly uncomplicates life to some
asking "what....you think we didn't raise youdegree. But boxes were meant to be outgrown
with the right information?" "What...youand while tribal goals can be met by staying
think we deliberately taught you wrong?"Boyput, personal goals, needs and perspectives
this stuff lays you low and can get you awaycan never be enlarged upon by staying in
from the idea of ever looking over the top ofboxes.Maybe somewhere there is the final box
the box for a very long time. Guilt, shamethat opens to clear blue skies and pure
and fear are the tools used to keep the onetruth. I hope so. But for now, just
who suspects bigger boxes in life than theclimbing up to the edge of the one you are in
ones we are all born into actually exist. Soand taking a look out and around into a
most retreat and wither under peer, tribal orbigger box just might be good enough for now.
professional criticism. And then there areIf I climb out of this current one myself and
those who press on no matter what. It can befind that patch of blue endless sky with
a lonely trip at times.When I needed apristine rivers and lakes, inhabited by
counselor to give me some guidance in thatbeings of light, full of only love,
"out of the box" phase, I was lucky to haveacceptance and truth, you'll all be the first
one that understood the concept of boxes. Heto know.Dennis Diehl is a boxed in human
had outgrown a few of his own and understoodbeing doing the best he can at the
the process well. At my first session withmoment...honest.



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