| Boxes are really interesting things. It's the first thing | | | | me he used to be a minister. Argh..perhaps I had |
| we see when we receive something as a gift. It tells | | | | made a poor choice of counselors. I was not in the |
| us a lot about the size, weight and contents of | | | | mood for Biblical quotations or a long list of "should's" |
| what's inside. I remember as a kid, picking up a light | | | | and "musts" that minister types are so want to |
| box for Xmas meant "clothes" and a heavy box | | | | appeal to when they run out of actual practical and |
| generally meant "Toy", especially if it rolled from one | | | | common sense observations and perspectives. |
| end of the box to the other upon tipping and shaking. | | | | But soon enough I learned that the "used to be a |
| A box can be a really great thing and bring a lot of | | | | minister" was grounded in having outgrown that box |
| joy. As a kid, I had a Remco Bulldog Tank, which I | | | | and so we had some common ground here. He |
| can still get a nice feeling from by looking them up | | | | thought it humerous to remind me he did not often |
| for sale still on Ebay. I won't be buying one soon as | | | | have clients who had been "fired by God." I said |
| they are around $300. I remember the original price | | | | "very funny."At any rate, I quickly learned that many |
| was around $12. But that box sure brought back | | | | people outgrow boxes and ministers are no |
| memories and now, if I need one, I can get an | | | | exception. Or at least many minister types want to |
| empty Bulldog Tank box for a mere $50!We all come | | | | outgrow the box they came in, or got at school, or |
| in a box when we are born, and I don't mean the | | | | their denominational headquarters and pastoral |
| womb. | | | | seminars designed to keep them in a particular |
| Once we arrive, we are slipped into a box that we | | | | denomination box. For years I went to "meetings" |
| are generally expected to stay in for the rest of our | | | | the sole purpose of which was to keep me in line |
| life, depending on the topic.Of course, we get the | | | | and in the assigned box of acceptable theological |
| box of our family. I personally grew up in the | | | | perspectives. Of course, I thought that was the right |
| Orthodox Presbyterian box. I am Dutch and German | | | | thing to do and where I needed to be so I didnt "fall |
| and came to the planet in April of 1950 in Rochester, | | | | away." But in hindsite, it was simply programming |
| NY to a young couple who had already had three | | | | designed to keep me on someone elses straight and |
| other kids, one severly handicapped and then me. My | | | | narrow, and many of them also proved to be neither |
| dad worked at Eastman Kodak and had managed not | | | | on the path of straight or narrow themselves.That is |
| to be sent overseas to fight WW2 with his work for | | | | often the case when we want to be be out of a |
| them counting as service. Had he been drafted, well I | | | | box, but deem the price too high with tribe or |
| might never have gotten to write this. Moms parents | | | | Church. We become duplistic or as Paul might say, "I |
| had managed to accept an invitation from friends to | | | | became all things to all men..." This is a concept that |
| postpone their Atlantic crossing in April of 1912 and | | | | to me leaves me wondering then exactly who was |
| stay until June to be in their wedding since they had | | | | Paul if he was so willing to put on whatever show |
| intention of returning to Amsterdam once in America. | | | | needed to win over converts. What a duplistic and |
| So they didn't take the Titanic that April.No choice... | | | | deceptive attitude. Does one ever meet the real |
| just a family that is ready made. A mom and dad, or | | | | person if that is how they view things. "To the Jew, |
| maybe just a mom. Various aunts and uncles and of | | | | I became a Jew..." I can't become all things to all men, |
| course varieties of grandparents, who may or may | | | | lest I lose myself in the charade.After gettting well |
| not be thrilled we are here. The family may have lots | | | | aquainted and sharing my particular story, I learned |
| of money and great stuff, or not much. It might be | | | | that I tended, and have all my life, to outgrow my |
| in the US, Europe, Uzbekistan, China or Africa. We | | | | own boxes very quickly. Most never explore the one |
| might be born into a great home on Oak Street or | | | | they are given at birth, I was reminded, which I have |
| Heatherwood Way, or a village in Iraq, Namibia or on | | | | found to be true. I evidently had a more inquisitive, |
| the outskirts of Shanghai. No choices here for us to | | | | open and free spirit, which would lend itself to not |
| make. Just the way it is. The family may be well | | | | only looking over the edge of the box, but climbing |
| employed, employed, underemployed or | | | | out much to the anger, fear and chiding of the |
| unemployed...again, no choices for us.In this box we | | | | tribe.This also tore at me as I have a "how can I help |
| are born into, and mostly expected to stay | | | | you" temperament which can lend itself to people |
| forevermore in, we get a religion to grow up in. It | | | | pleasing and compliance if I am not honest with |
| might be Judaism, Catholicism, Buddhism, Islam, Hindu | | | | myself. Sometimes we stay put for a very long time |
| or a host of other "isms" that again we had no say | | | | afraid to speak our mind, share our thoughts or even |
| in. It is who others want us to be with all it's laws, | | | | hint at changes in our perspectives. It makes people |
| rituals and beliefs. They did the religious belief | | | | angry and insecure and is the stuff or countless |
| homework long before we arrived and we will love | | | | arguements or family tension. I learned what topics |
| what they choose for us. If we don't love it, it just | | | | to avoid as I did not, at that time, want the hassle, |
| may take longer to convince us.Of course I am | | | | the look or the rebuttal.I learned that outgrowing a |
| Catholic. I was born Catholic! The idea that one | | | | box can be very lonely. Most of those in the previous |
| cannot really be born with a whole religious belief | | | | box spend their energy keeping you in the box, not |
| system in place doesn't seem to cross our minds. | | | | overjoyed that you want out. Most of those in the |
| What we mean is we had no choice in our youth but | | | | previous box will not accompany you on your new |
| to be programmed by those before us who had | | | | perspectives. They simply won't leave the box with |
| selected the truth of life for us that they generally | | | | you, nor will they offer any support. They might |
| got from those before them. That box is just one | | | | simply disappear from your life or refuse to be a |
| size and you and I were expected to simply stay in | | | | friend until you return to the box. Or even if you do |
| that box, no questions asked. The trouble comes | | | | return, things can never quite be the same again, |
| later in life when we seek to get out of the box we | | | | because you dared to even attempt an escape.They |
| came in.But often, as we get older, we find the box | | | | can make you feel guilty as hell for evening thinking |
| we are in no longer fits us. While the tribe or family | | | | there were other boxes! They will however remind |
| may be content with that box, a very small part of | | | | you that the box you now need to be in is not as |
| which they have never even explored themselves, | | | | real, valid or good for you as the one you left. As a |
| we are not. We might not be comfortable in the | | | | result, many return to their harm in the long |
| political part we inheirited, or the social and mostly | | | | run."Dennis, you have two choices..." I was told. "You |
| the religious part we inheirited, and have to not just | | | | can keep exploring the bigger boxes that is your |
| look around the box given, but actually look up and | | | | nature to do and probably go it mostly alone, or you |
| over the edge, to see what we can see. This is | | | | can return to the box you just got kicked out of and |
| where the danger, criticism and head shaking comes | | | | feel a bit more secure and "happy." You also will |
| to play in our lives and where we have to decide if | | | | probably be on antidepressants the rest of you life." |
| looking over the edge of this given box is worth it. | | | | He seemed to know what he was talking about and |
| We aren't yet saying we are going to leave the box, | | | | I agreed. I was already on those meds at the time, |
| but the threat to family, friends and even ourselves | | | | so that made perfect sense.The anxiety and |
| as we think about it is just about to manifest | | | | depression caused by outgrowing a box can be |
| itself.The criticism might come for reading outside the | | | | relentless until one developes the skills to deal with |
| accepted and given box of ideas on all topics from | | | | them. For me it is staying present and out of the |
| religion to employment. One might catch it but good | | | | past where there is anger and guilt to deal with and |
| for getting caught having a different idea about | | | | the future where there is anxiety and fear waiting. |
| sexuality or adherence to the established religious | | | | Sitting in quiet meditation, a very difficult thing for |
| taboos that came in that original box. The religious | | | | one raised Dutch, Calvinistic and needing to always be |
| box you came in might demand a tithe of your | | | | "productive", but actually is very therapeutic and |
| income but you no longer feel the return on the | | | | enlightening. NOW is what we all have. Nothing more |
| "investment" is worth it, and perhaps God doesn't | | | | and nothing less. I am not always successful, but I |
| really need your money. There will always be | | | | am getting better at it. When you outgrow a box |
| someone in the tribe to warn you that you can't be | | | | you genuinely could not stay in, it causes a lot of guilt |
| "blessed" with an idea, out of the box, like that.It's ok | | | | issues as well and grieving for those that did not |
| for businessmen to look outside the business box for | | | | either want to come along or simply couldn't. I have |
| better ideas or the scientific community to see | | | | often now found it almost insane to force a young |
| outside the box of science to give us really cool | | | | couple, upon pain of eternal death and offending the |
| stuff, but it is NOT acceptable for the individual to | | | | Deity, to NEVER EVER CHANGE from this day |
| step outside the social, political or religious aspects of | | | | forward, and yet not be told that EVERYTHING |
| the tribal box, given at birth.The tribe will hound you | | | | around you will change for the rest of your life. |
| for missing Church or Wednesday night Bible study | | | | Makes no sense to me. This is where certain |
| and suggest that Pastor so and so talk to you, | | | | institutions seem simply designed to keep one |
| hoping he can stuff you back in the box. Talk like a | | | | compliant and obedient to the tribe and to stay in |
| Democrat when "we are all Republicans," and see | | | | that birth box.Outgrowing your boxes, if you as |
| what happens. Come to different conclusions about | | | | inclined to do it, is difficult in many many ways. Most |
| wars or presidents and see what happens. You might | | | | simply won't do it when confronted with the tribe, |
| just have a list of topics we don't talk about in our | | | | the church and the consequences. Sometimes we |
| box.Sometimes they hope a counselor can do the | | | | get pushed out of box whether we like it or not and |
| same. Perhaps they bring out the big guns and your | | | | in time will come to see that it was the best thing |
| Grandfather can talk some sense into you, after all, | | | | that could have happened, thought it feels for a very |
| Grandpa has been in the original box for his entire life. | | | | long time like the worst. What's bad is often good |
| If it's good enough for him and us, it's good enough | | | | and, of course, what's good can sometimes end up |
| for YOU! Someone might even be so hurt that you | | | | not so good. Some who win the lottery seemed |
| would want to see outside this given box, they | | | | chosen to teach us this.So...we all came in a box of |
| scream and cry asking "what....you think we didn't | | | | someone elses choosing. For many that works just |
| raise you with the right information?" "What...you | | | | fine and certainly uncomplicates life to some degree. |
| think we deliberately taught you wrong?"Boy this | | | | But boxes were meant to be outgrown and while |
| stuff lays you low and can get you away from the | | | | tribal goals can be met by staying put, personal goals, |
| idea of ever looking over the top of the box for a | | | | needs and perspectives can never be enlarged upon |
| very long time. Guilt, shame and fear are the tools | | | | by staying in boxes.Maybe somewhere there is the |
| used to keep the one who suspects bigger boxes in | | | | final box that opens to clear blue skies and pure |
| life than the ones we are all born into actually exist. | | | | truth. I hope so. But for now, just climbing up to the |
| So most retreat and wither under peer, tribal or | | | | edge of the one you are in and taking a look out and |
| professional criticism. And then there are those who | | | | around into a bigger box just might be good enough |
| press on no matter what. It can be a lonely trip at | | | | for now. If I climb out of this current one myself and |
| times.When I needed a counselor to give me some | | | | find that patch of blue endless sky with pristine rivers |
| guidance in that "out of the box" phase, I was lucky | | | | and lakes, inhabited by beings of light, full of only |
| to have one that understood the concept of boxes. | | | | love, acceptance and truth, you'll all be the first to |
| He had outgrown a few of his own and understood | | | | know.Dennis Diehl is a boxed in human being doing |
| the process well. At my first session with him, he told | | | | the best he can at the moment...honest. |