| Boxes are really interesting things. It's | | | | him, he told me he used to be a minister. |
| the first thing we see when we receive | | | | Argh..perhaps I had made a poor choice of |
| something as a gift. It tells us a lot about | | | | counselors. I was not in the mood for |
| the size, weight and contents of what's | | | | Biblical quotations or a long list of |
| inside. I remember as a kid, picking up a | | | | "should's" and "musts" that minister types |
| light box for Xmas meant "clothes" and a | | | | are so want to appeal to when they run out of |
| heavy box generally meant "Toy", especially | | | | actual practical and common sense |
| if it rolled from one end of the box to the | | | | observations and perspectives. |
| other upon tipping and shaking. A box can be | | | | |
| a really great thing and bring a lot of joy. | | | | But soon enough I learned that the "used to |
| As a kid, I had a Remco Bulldog Tank, which I | | | | be a minister" was grounded in having |
| can still get a nice feeling from by looking | | | | outgrown that box and so we had some common |
| them up for sale still on Ebay. I won't be | | | | ground here. He thought it humerous to |
| buying one soon as they are around $300. I | | | | remind me he did not often have clients who |
| remember the original price was around $12. | | | | had been "fired by God." I said "very |
| But that box sure brought back memories and | | | | funny."At any rate, I quickly learned that |
| now, if I need one, I can get an empty | | | | many people outgrow boxes and ministers are |
| Bulldog Tank box for a mere $50!We all come | | | | no exception. Or at least many minister |
| in a box when we are born, and I don't mean | | | | types want to outgrow the box they came in, |
| the womb. | | | | or got at school, or their denominational |
| | | | headquarters and pastoral seminars designed |
| Once we arrive, we are slipped into a box | | | | to keep them in a particular denomination |
| that we are generally expected to stay in for | | | | box. For years I went to "meetings" the sole |
| the rest of our life, depending on the | | | | purpose of which was to keep me in line and |
| topic.Of course, we get the box of our | | | | in the assigned box of acceptable theological |
| family. I personally grew up in the Orthodox | | | | perspectives. Of course, I thought that was |
| Presbyterian box. I am Dutch and German and | | | | the right thing to do and where I needed to |
| came to the planet in April of 1950 in | | | | be so I didnt "fall away." But in hindsite, |
| Rochester, NY to a young couple who had | | | | it was simply programming designed to keep me |
| already had three other kids, one severly | | | | on someone elses straight and narrow, and |
| handicapped and then me. My dad worked at | | | | many of them also proved to be neither on the |
| Eastman Kodak and had managed not to be sent | | | | path of straight or narrow themselves.That is |
| overseas to fight WW2 with his work for them | | | | often the case when we want to be be out of a |
| counting as service. Had he been drafted, | | | | box, but deem the price too high with tribe |
| well I might never have gotten to write this. | | | | or Church. We become duplistic or as Paul |
| Moms parents had managed to accept an | | | | might say, "I became all things to all |
| invitation from friends to postpone their | | | | men..." This is a concept that to me leaves |
| Atlantic crossing in April of 1912 and stay | | | | me wondering then exactly who was Paul if he |
| until June to be in their wedding since they | | | | was so willing to put on whatever show needed |
| had intention of returning to Amsterdam once | | | | to win over converts. What a duplistic and |
| in America. So they didn't take the Titanic | | | | deceptive attitude. Does one ever meet the |
| that April.No choice... just a family that is | | | | real person if that is how they view things. |
| ready made. A mom and dad, or maybe just a | | | | "To the Jew, I became a Jew..." I can't |
| mom. Various aunts and uncles and of course | | | | become all things to all men, lest I lose |
| varieties of grandparents, who may or may not | | | | myself in the charade.After gettting well |
| be thrilled we are here. The family may | | | | aquainted and sharing my particular story, I |
| have lots of money and great stuff, or not | | | | learned that I tended, and have all my life, |
| much. It might be in the US, Europe, | | | | to outgrow my own boxes very quickly. Most |
| Uzbekistan, China or Africa. We might be born | | | | never explore the one they are given at |
| into a great home on Oak Street or | | | | birth, I was reminded, which I have found to |
| Heatherwood Way, or a village in Iraq, | | | | be true. I evidently had a more inquisitive, |
| Namibia or on the outskirts of Shanghai. No | | | | open and free spirit, which would lend itself |
| choices here for us to make. Just the way it | | | | to not only looking over the edge of the box, |
| is. The family may be well employed, | | | | but climbing out much to the anger, fear and |
| employed, underemployed or | | | | chiding of the tribe.This also tore at me as |
| unemployed...again, no choices for us.In this | | | | I have a "how can I help you" temperament |
| box we are born into, and mostly expected to | | | | which can lend itself to people pleasing and |
| stay forevermore in, we get a religion to | | | | compliance if I am not honest with myself. |
| grow up in. It might be Judaism, Catholicism, | | | | Sometimes we stay put for a very long time |
| Buddhism, Islam, Hindu or a host of other | | | | afraid to speak our mind, share our thoughts |
| "isms" that again we had no say in. It is | | | | or even hint at changes in our perspectives. |
| who others want us to be with all it's laws, | | | | It makes people angry and insecure and is the |
| rituals and beliefs. They did the religious | | | | stuff or countless arguements or family |
| belief homework long before we arrived and we | | | | tension. I learned what topics to avoid as I |
| will love what they choose for us. If we | | | | did not, at that time, want the hassle, the |
| don't love it, it just may take longer to | | | | look or the rebuttal.I learned that |
| convince us.Of course I am Catholic. I was | | | | outgrowing a box can be very lonely. Most of |
| born Catholic! The idea that one cannot | | | | those in the previous box spend their energy |
| really be born with a whole religious belief | | | | keeping you in the box, not overjoyed that |
| system in place doesn't seem to cross our | | | | you want out. Most of those in the previous |
| minds. What we mean is we had no choice in | | | | box will not accompany you on your new |
| our youth but to be programmed by those | | | | perspectives. They simply won't leave the box |
| before us who had selected the truth of life | | | | with you, nor will they offer any support. |
| for us that they generally got from those | | | | They might simply disappear from your life or |
| before them. That box is just one size and | | | | refuse to be a friend until you return to the |
| you and I were expected to simply stay in | | | | box. Or even if you do return, things can |
| that box, no questions asked. The trouble | | | | never quite be the same again, because you |
| comes later in life when we seek to get out | | | | dared to even attempt an escape.They can make |
| of the box we came in.But often, as we get | | | | you feel guilty as hell for evening thinking |
| older, we find the box we are in no longer | | | | there were other boxes! They will however |
| fits us. While the tribe or family may be | | | | remind you that the box you now need to be in |
| content with that box, a very small part of | | | | is not as real, valid or good for you as the |
| which they have never even explored | | | | one you left. As a result, many return to |
| themselves, we are not. We might not be | | | | their harm in the long run."Dennis, you have |
| comfortable in the political part we | | | | two choices..." I was told. "You can keep |
| inheirited, or the social and mostly the | | | | exploring the bigger boxes that is your |
| religious part we inheirited, and have to not | | | | nature to do and probably go it mostly alone, |
| just look around the box given, but actually | | | | or you can return to the box you just got |
| look up and over the edge, to see what we can | | | | kicked out of and feel a bit more secure and |
| see. This is where the danger, criticism and | | | | "happy." You also will probably be on |
| head shaking comes to play in our lives and | | | | antidepressants the rest of you life." He |
| where we have to decide if looking over the | | | | seemed to know what he was talking about and |
| edge of this given box is worth it. We | | | | I agreed. I was already on those meds at the |
| aren't yet saying we are going to leave the | | | | time, so that made perfect sense.The anxiety |
| box, but the threat to family, friends and | | | | and depression caused by outgrowing a box can |
| even ourselves as we think about it is just | | | | be relentless until one developes the skills |
| about to manifest itself.The criticism might | | | | to deal with them. For me it is staying |
| come for reading outside the accepted and | | | | present and out of the past where there is |
| given box of ideas on all topics from | | | | anger and guilt to deal with and the future |
| religion to employment. One might catch it | | | | where there is anxiety and fear waiting. |
| but good for getting caught having a | | | | Sitting in quiet meditation, a very difficult |
| different idea about sexuality or adherence | | | | thing for one raised Dutch, Calvinistic and |
| to the established religious taboos that came | | | | needing to always be "productive", but |
| in that original box. The religious box you | | | | actually is very therapeutic and |
| came in might demand a tithe of your income | | | | enlightening. NOW is what we all have. |
| but you no longer feel the return on the | | | | Nothing more and nothing less. I am not |
| "investment" is worth it, and perhaps God | | | | always successful, but I am getting better at |
| doesn't really need your money. There will | | | | it. When you outgrow a box you genuinely |
| always be someone in the tribe to warn you | | | | could not stay in, it causes a lot of guilt |
| that you can't be "blessed" with an idea, out | | | | issues as well and grieving for those that |
| of the box, like that.It's ok for businessmen | | | | did not either want to come along or simply |
| to look outside the business box for better | | | | couldn't. I have often now found it almost |
| ideas or the scientific community to see | | | | insane to force a young couple, upon pain of |
| outside the box of science to give us really | | | | eternal death and offending the Deity, to |
| cool stuff, but it is NOT acceptable for the | | | | NEVER EVER CHANGE from this day forward, and |
| individual to step outside the social, | | | | yet not be told that EVERYTHING around you |
| political or religious aspects of the tribal | | | | will change for the rest of your life. Makes |
| box, given at birth.The tribe will hound you | | | | no sense to me. This is where certain |
| for missing Church or Wednesday night Bible | | | | institutions seem simply designed to keep one |
| study and suggest that Pastor so and so talk | | | | compliant and obedient to the tribe and to |
| to you, hoping he can stuff you back in the | | | | stay in that birth box.Outgrowing your boxes, |
| box. Talk like a Democrat when "we are all | | | | if you as inclined to do it, is difficult in |
| Republicans," and see what happens. Come to | | | | many many ways. Most simply won't do it when |
| different conclusions about wars or | | | | confronted with the tribe, the church and the |
| presidents and see what happens. You might | | | | consequences. Sometimes we get pushed out of |
| just have a list of topics we don't talk | | | | box whether we like it or not and in time |
| about in our box.Sometimes they hope a | | | | will come to see that it was the best thing |
| counselor can do the same. Perhaps they | | | | that could have happened, thought it feels |
| bring out the big guns and your Grandfather | | | | for a very long time like the worst. What's |
| can talk some sense into you, after all, | | | | bad is often good and, of course, what's good |
| Grandpa has been in the original box for his | | | | can sometimes end up not so good. Some who |
| entire life. If it's good enough for him and | | | | win the lottery seemed chosen to teach us |
| us, it's good enough for YOU! Someone might | | | | this.So...we all came in a box of someone |
| even be so hurt that you would want to see | | | | elses choosing. For many that works just fine |
| outside this given box, they scream and cry | | | | and certainly uncomplicates life to some |
| asking "what....you think we didn't raise you | | | | degree. But boxes were meant to be outgrown |
| with the right information?" "What...you | | | | and while tribal goals can be met by staying |
| think we deliberately taught you wrong?"Boy | | | | put, personal goals, needs and perspectives |
| this stuff lays you low and can get you away | | | | can never be enlarged upon by staying in |
| from the idea of ever looking over the top of | | | | boxes.Maybe somewhere there is the final box |
| the box for a very long time. Guilt, shame | | | | that opens to clear blue skies and pure |
| and fear are the tools used to keep the one | | | | truth. I hope so. But for now, just |
| who suspects bigger boxes in life than the | | | | climbing up to the edge of the one you are in |
| ones we are all born into actually exist. So | | | | and taking a look out and around into a |
| most retreat and wither under peer, tribal or | | | | bigger box just might be good enough for now. |
| professional criticism. And then there are | | | | If I climb out of this current one myself and |
| those who press on no matter what. It can be | | | | find that patch of blue endless sky with |
| a lonely trip at times.When I needed a | | | | pristine rivers and lakes, inhabited by |
| counselor to give me some guidance in that | | | | beings of light, full of only love, |
| "out of the box" phase, I was lucky to have | | | | acceptance and truth, you'll all be the first |
| one that understood the concept of boxes. He | | | | to know.Dennis Diehl is a boxed in human |
| had outgrown a few of his own and understood | | | | being doing the best he can at the |
| the process well. At my first session with | | | | moment...honest. |